Why do I have to justify this?

For 9 years I have been there to hold, love and protect my child! After talking to his doctor I made a tough decision to remove Masan from the classroom so that he would have a fighting chance. What people don't understand is that although Masan looks like a normal fun loving kid, inside his immune system just isn't up to par and a normal everyday cold that a classmate might have could cause Masan's system to shut down completely. If I don't protect him who will? I see kids walking the halls day in and day out that are at school because the parents can't afford childcare, they can't get time off work, or because they simply don't care enough to keep them home; either way these sick children are walking time bombs for Masan! I don't understand what gives ANYONE the right to question my motives or my love for my child. Really? So are you telling me if this was your child and you had to worry day in and day out about outside factors getting him sick you wouldn't remove him from the situation? Do you really think that you know me because we talk "occasionally"? There are people that I talk to daily that have no idea what living with CMT is like, because I don't let this define who Masan and I are! Yeah it's a lot to deal with, but I think I am handling it just fine....well maybe not just fine but I am doing the best I can do and I resent ANYONE who thinks otherwise! I am the one that wakes up every morning and has to look at myself in the mirror and realize that I did this to my child, I am the reason he has this disease. I have been asked many times if I knew that I had CMT would I still take the risk and have children and my answer is always the same.... HELL YES! I love my children and I believe that God placed them into my life for a reason, they are the reason I breathe, cry, laugh and live life to the fullest everyday! So if you think for one second I am going to sit by as you try and tear him down you are full of crap! He is a very bright child and although you may not be speaking to him, he is aware of what you are saying and how you are saying it. For you to pretend that you are looking out for his best interest is ridiculous, if that were the case you would be working with me instead of trying to remove me out of the picture. Mark my words.... THIS IS ONE BATTLE YOU WILL NEVER WIN, SO THROW IN THE TOWEL NOW!!!!

Starting Over

It has been two years since I last posted....
Walt and I are at a place where we work together to give the kids the best of both worlds, maybe it will work and maybe it won't but either way the boys have us both:)

Currently I am trying to make a decision as to whether or not I am going to pull Masan out of school and home school him. Something has changed, not sure what or why but I know SOMETHING has changed and it isn't fair that he is making himself physically ill worrying about going to school. This decision has been harder than anything else I have dealt with over the past few months, and to be honest I am hoping that someone will read this and give me a suggestion about what to do.

It's really easy for someone on the outside to sit and judge me, but to have your child cry himself to sleep and have such anxiety that he is causing migraines and vomiting you really have to sit back and ask yourself is it worth it???? I don't think it is! I would rather spend time with him happy and excited about life, is that really too much to ask for? Granted I know that he will miss his friends, but we have this huge community of friends and their kids that I think after a while being home schooled will just become the normal thing to do. The fact that it has been cold and snowing like crazy the last few weeks is definitely something I need to think about as well. Heck Masan falls daily without the snow and ice! What to do what to do....hmmm Maybe I better sleep on it and call Special Services in the morning and see what our options are.

It has been too long.......

So much has changed since the last time I updated... Walt and I are separated now, I'm not sure if the stress of everyday life was too much for us to deal with but we sat down and decided that this was the best thing for the kids! In November I moved into a 3 bedroom house with the boys. Masan and Prestan share a room and Tavan has his own room. There is a nice fenced in back yard that is all one level and the kids love playing in it! Masan is still attending Pickett, he goes 3 hours everyday but according to the teacher he is keeping up with the rest of his class when it comes to the work. In August Dr. Kosse faxed a letter to the school to get Masan an Alpha Smart keyboard, as of yet he still hasn't received it but we have been told it is on the way. Some days are 100% better than other days, but one thing has always stayed true with Masan...He has never stopped fighting!
I don't know if the temperatures this winter were any different than previous years, but it seems like it sure has affected his muscles and joints more this year. Christmas came and went and the boys got everything that they asked Santa for, except an XBOX 360(mainly because every store Santa went to was SOLD out!)On March 8 Masan turned 7, he wanted to have a bowling party so that is what he had... The kids had a blast and all his friends took turns helping him bowl(after the first 3 frames his muscles were too sore to pick up the ball).

If there is one thing that I have learned from Masan over the last seven years it is this... You can overcome any obstacle in your way if you have the willpower to do so! I have never seen anyone work so hard at proving others wrong. Masan has been told many times in his life that there were things he would never be able to do, as far as I know he has done each and everyone of them:)

Songs of Love

Songs of Love Foundation wrote this song for Masan and so I took the song and added pictures of Masan to the music...

MASAN PAYNE

Love those video games
life is not the same
without controller excitement
loves animals
especially when they pull
themselves across the ice like a penguin

Beautiful man, We're his biggest fan
and his name is Masan
loves the color green
I think he saw it in a dream
at the end of a rainbow he's chasing

Loves mom and dad
brothers Prestan and Tavan
the heart of the family
with a puppy named Jack
and a Grey cat
better known as Smokey

Nothing but music
sure knows how to choose it
It's what makes him go
watchin' videos
from his head down to his toes
Masan is a one man show

Beautiful man, We're his biggest fan
and his name is Masan
loves the color green
I think he saw it in a dream
at the end of a rainbow he's chasing

Beautiful man, We're his biggest fan
and his name is Masan
loves the color green
I think he saw it in a dream
at the end of a rainbow he's chasing

An Amazing Trip

I know it has been a while since I have updated and wow do I have a lot to tell!!! For all of you that may not know what Give Kids the World is let me tell you...it is a 70-acre resort complete with over 100 Villa accommodations, entertainment attractions, whimsical venues, and fun specifically designed for children with special needs. Within the gates of GKTW families find amazing things to do together whether it be making a pillow in the Castle of Miracles, making a wish in the wishing well, playing video games in Amberville, riding the carousel before and after dinner or just spending a few stress free minutes reflecting on how great your life is because you have each other. Our son Masan was one of the special kids who is fortunate enough to have his dream granted by Dream Factory, here is the story of our AMAZING trip!
On Tuesday July 29Th At 4:45am a white limo pulled up at the house to take us to the airport, finally our trip to Florida was here. We arrived in Orlando around 10:30am. As we pulled into Give Kids A World we knew this place was very special. We were given our key to Villa 199, and outside there was a Mayor Clayton Rabbit sign with a yellow strip that read "PAYNE'S", at last we were home (at least the place we would call home for the week to come). That afternoon we decided to spend the day walking around GKTW and playing games with the boys.
Wednesday July 30Th We headed out at 8am for horse and pony rides in Keaton's Korral, each one of the boys got a cowboy hat and Cowboy certificate. At 10 the Mears shuttle was there to take us to the Magic Kingdom. Our first ride of the day was Splash Mountain, followed by It's a Small World, Dumbo the Flying Elephant, The Haunted Mansion, Swiss Family Tree house and so many more then I can mention. We stood around and watched the High School Musical 2 parade and of course got to meet some of our favorite characters!
Thursday July 31st 8am we had pictures with Minnie and Mickey in Julie's Safari Theater then as we walked outside we were greeted by Pluto, Goofy, and Belle=} From there we headed over to eat breakfast and see where all of our new friends were headed. 10am the shuttle arrived to take us to Hollywood Studios (MGM Studios) Of course right when we walked in the gate we had to ride The Ultimate Star Wars Thrill Ride, this ended up being Masan's favorite ride that day and I must say as you go zipping in and out of outer space in warp speed you really feel like it is real. Next up was Toy Story Mania the new 4~D attraction where you and your family member can compete to see who gets the highest score!( I won with 93,480 points) After that we headed over to Al's Toy Barn for pictures with Woody and Buzz!!! Walt and I decided to take the kids on the Great Movie Ride and show them some of the best movies that have ever been made, we got to see scenes from Mary Poppins, The Wizard of Oz, Casablanca, The sound of Music and many more... We hope to end the day with the tower of Terror, but Prestan was too short (and after talking to other parent he probably would have been scared to death). Back at the village it was time for Christmas in the village, Santa was there and all the kids got to pick out a gift. Masan and Tavan both got mini media players, and Prestan got a new baby animal.
Friday August 1st Friday August 1st 8am we headed over to the Castle of Miracles for pictures with Barney and friends. The boys were so excited because this was the day we were going to Animal Kingdom. We started the day out by riding Dinosaur (The clock is ticking on your Time Rover and you have mere minutes to rescue a stray dinosaur, this ride was full of excitement, but very scary) Next we ventured over to Expedition Everest in search of Yeti, the first few minutes of this ride wasn't bad at all basically you go way up into the "snow covered mountains" but then just as you reach the top you realize something is wrong....very wrong the track has been cut by the Yeti without having a second to think about it you are whipped backwards and I must say for a split second my life flashed before my eyes!!! After that ride we were all sick to our stomachs and just wanted a nice relaxing ride, instead we got the Kali River Rapids! Walking around the park you notice this amazing tree with all these different animals carved into it this is called the Tree of Life! We ended the day there with the Kilimanjaro Safaris being so close to all these animals was something the boys will never forget. Back at GKTW it was Pirates and Princess night Elmo, Shamu, Mrs. Mary, and Mayor Clayton were all there dressed up and ready to have pictures taken with the kids. Walt and Tavan decided not to go, but instead wanted to explore the fishing pond behind our villa. Man were they ever surprised when Walt got a bite on his fishing line and then realized it wasn't a fish...it was a baby alligator!!! (No more leaving the villa for mommy! lol)
Saturday August 2ND We headed out at 9am, destination Universal Studios and Island of Adventures our first stop was the Amazing Adventures of Spiderman this 3~D ride really makes the kids feel like they are helping Spiderman fight the Green Goblin, Doc Oc, Elctro, Hobgoblin, HYdro Man and deadly Scream. By far nothing else that day topped this ride in Masan's book he even rated this ***** (five stars)! After helping him fight, we had to go meet him. The boys all got autographs and tons of pictures with Spiderman they even managed to get grandpa George an autograph=} Next up was the Dudley Do-Right's Ripsaw Falls this ride was fun for all of us but I must admit that Masan handled the final drop even better then mom did! The final ride for the day was Jurassic Park River Adventure, at the very end of this ride you come face to face with a T~rex as you think to yourself how are you going to escape this terror...you all of a sudden take the 85-foot plunge into water (SCAREY!!!) After that ride the kids were ready to head back to the village and get ready for Mayor Clayton's Birthday Party. At 9:00pm Mayor Clayton came to our villa and tucked the boys into bed!
Sunday August 3rd 9am we headed out to Sea World, as you may have guessed the highlight of this day was getting to feed the dophins! Our journey was coming to an end as sad as we all were to be leaving the new friends we had made we were so excited about getting back home and see the family and friends that we had left behind! Sunday night we spent alot of time getting email addresses and phone numbers from other families so we can stay in touch with them. Back at the villa we backed up our suitcases and made sure we hadn't forgot anyhitng. This was it our lastnight here...we all sat around talking about everything we had seen over the last few days, these memories we will hold in our hearts forever and the best part about it was we shared them as a family!!!
Monday August 4th our flight left Orlando at 430pm and we arrived back at KCI at 630, we were greeted by Terry and Joann Parker, they helped us get our luggage and showed us the way to the limo. Finally we were back at home=}

Let's see I guess it has been about a week since I have been on here. We have pretty much had a slow week, the 4Th of July came and went and as much fun as it was I am so glad it is over! Then of course on Sunday we celebrated Tavan's 10Th birthday; Frankie, Cindy and the boys came over for lunch. It just so happens that Cindy's birthday is also on the 6Th so we had 2 different cakes and sang Happy Birthday to both of them! Then yesterday we all went swimming at Rob and Kim's house, I swear poor Walt looks like a lobster, but we all had a blast so I guess that is all that matters. Before we left Rob showed Masan something new on his Lego's Indiana Jones game, so he was all ready to come home and try to get to this new level. Can I just tell you it is too cute that Masan and Rob can talk about the different levels they have beaten, and can even give each other tips on how the other person can get to the next level! On the way home Masan even asked Walt if he (Masan) could call Rob when we get home and have him walk him through how to get to the new level. Masan has really blossomed over the last few months, I am so happy to see him finally break out of his shell. But I must say that I can't wait for Kim to get home from California so that we can hang out together before our family leaves for Florida! I really need some "girl" time, don't get me wrong I love the boys and Walt...but I am tired of being the only female, even our dogs and cat are male! Well the moon is out and the boys are asleep so I am going to take advantage of this "alone" time and go take a nice hot bubble bath! God bless each and everyone of you!!!

Yesterday Walt had to work so I decided to take the kids to see Kung Fu Panda, I must say it was a really cute movie and the boys really enjoyed getting out of the house and doing something we haven't done in a while! Today on the other hand the whole family went fishing at Rob and Kim's house. I was suprised at how many fish were caught since the boys didn't sit still long enough to let the line even hit the water. I ended up taking all three boys swimming while Walt and Rob sat down and fished. All in all I think everyone had a great day!

What a weekend!

Sunday we went to Rob and Kim's house for some fun in the pool. The boys swam for almost 5 hours and still didn't want to get out, but Kim assured them they could come back anytime and swim. Once we got home they were down for the count, and slept until the next morning. We went back and swam again on Monday afternoon, it was a blast the kids loved it, and I think that being in the water is great therapy for Masan's muscles! I must say that I am a bit burnt today but after soaking in a warm milk bath I am starting to feel a lot better.

Monday morning we got a phone call from the St. Joseph News press they wanted to get family pictures for the article that they are doing on Dream Factory volunteers Joann and Terry Parker and Masan's dream. I am really happy to hear that they are writing a story because until we started this process I had never even heard of Dream Factory, I had heard of other wish granting organizations but Dream Factory actually has an office here in St. Joseph, MO. I am hoping that with this story coming out in the paper it will motivate more people to donate, support and volunteer for Dream Factory. I know that our family feels very blessed to get to go to Disney World and without Dream Factory we would never be able to go. Masan is counting down the days and already has made his list of things he wants to do and see while we are there. Anyone who has to go through the hustle and bustle of weekly doctors appointments or waiting for test results will understand that having one week where you don't have to deal with any medical facility will be pure bliss for us! Please if you get nothing else out of this post get this....without people volunteering time, frequent flyer miles, money, and services wish granting organizations wouldn't be able to make dreams come true for these kids who may never have a chance to do the things the wish so very much to do! If this has touched your heart at all please go to http://www.dreamfactoryinc.com/ and see what you can do to help!!! Thank You all for the prayers we have received and God Bless!

Payne family picture
Bug Boy!
Masan in the pool swimming.

It has been a while since I have been on. For the most part we have had an okay month, of course we have had our ups and downs but spirits are still high and as always we have overcome all hurdles as a family. Masan's legs have become weaker and he had his eyes tested again and his prescription was increased, he picked out his own frames and he loves them. Next week we have to go to the doctor to have his hearing rechecked and see if it has improved any after being on the antibiotics. All three boys have been spending a lot of time in the swimming pool lately and the best part about that is Masan says the water makes his muscles feel better. We went to a birthday party last weekend and Masan made a new friend=( Once you look at the pictures below you will understand why this scares me. He got the Lego's Indiana Jones game and has been playing it when he isn't in the pool or playing with his brothers, he is on the third map and the final level. I have know idea how he knows how to play those games so well, but it is almost like when he is playing he is in the game. The smile he has on his face during that time could light the universe! I am wanting to take the boys next week to the movies to see Kung Fu Panda, but we will have to wait and see what our schedule looks like. Other than that we really haven't been doing much just hanging out with friends and of course getting all the medical stuff done so we are ready for our trip that is rapidly approaching. That is all for today but I will be back soon with updates! God Bless!!

so much to do, so little time...

School is out and so we finally took the time to put the pool up. The boys spent most of yesterday in it, they didn't seem to mind the fact that the water was as cold as ice! I was really happy just to see them playing and having a good time with each other. I went to Hy-Vee and got some Chinese food for them for dinner and as you can see they must have liked it because they actually got out of the pool and sat down to eat. As much as the boys love having the pool, it is up on the top of the hill (and the only part of the yard that is level) so I am in hopes that Masan will be able to enjoy it throughout the summer. We have been looking for a new house nonstop, and want to be all moved before school starts in August. This school year will be a HUGE adjustment for me because Prestan will be starting preschool so I won't have any kids until at least noon everyday. Oh what will I do to keep me occupied? Probably sleep! (lol) Well I hope you all enjoy these pics. Have a blessed day!
Prestan eating his favorite foods!
Rambo Tavan!
Masan with his mouth full, and he is still talking!
Silly boys!

Oh, what a week!

OMG, what a week.... A week ago today I woke up about 2am and my left arm was numb and had a sharp pain in it. I sat up and watched TV for a bit thinking the numbness would go away and then I could get some sleep, unfortunately I started feeling worse. I had heartburn bad and it was starting to get hard to breathe. I took a HOT bath, (sometimes not being able to tell if the water is hot or cold is a good thing) I really just wanted to relax and wait for the heartburn to pass. Over the next several hours I tried everything from peppermints to baking soda in water, heck I even tried a heating pad! I talked to my mom on the phone and told her how bad I was feeling, she was worried and suggested I get to the ER asap she feared the same thing I did at that point....I was having a heart attack! Once I got to the ER and started telling them what had taken place that morning they got me into a room and did an EKG, it came back normal...What could be causing me this much pain if it wasn't a heart attack? They took me down for a sonogram and then it was confirmed I had gallstones and a very inflamed gallbladder, I needed emergency surgery to have it removed! Honestly it was the easiest surgery I have had to have done to date. By the next morning I was out of bed and even walking down the hall to get my own Sunday paper=) Walter brought the boys up to see me first thing Sunday morning and when I saw the scared look in Masan's eyes I knew that this was my second chance, I needed to start watching what I am eating and steer clear of all the fatty foods. I have never really sat and thought that I wouldn't be around to watch my babies grow into the respectful men I have taught them to be until that day! Don't get me wrong every parent believes that they will pass before their children, but not before they are grown! I got to go home Sunday evening with only mild restrictions. So far I am doing great my belly is finally going down from all the swelling and the incisions are healing great! The best thing is I have changed my eating habits for the better and have more energy that I have had in months. I actually went grocery shopping with Walt and the boys this past Thursday, but I think I may have walked a bit too much because I had to come home and take a nap. No matter what else I may have learned this week I can say I learned a very valuable lesson....Never take for granted that you can spent time with your family later instead of now, never go to bed mad and make sure the last thing you ever say to someone is how much you really love them! I have been blessed by God and the angels I have watching over me! I am going to use the time I have left on earth to bring a smile to the face of everyone I meet and hopefully make a difference in another person's life=) I hope that everyone who reads this chooses to do the same, miracles happen everyday all you have to do is take the time to notice them!

Well tonight was our "official" dinner from Dream Factory, where they announce that Masan has been selected to receive his dream! Masan picked Ryan's Steakhouse to eat at. We invited Grandma and Grandpa Clinton, Great-grandma Clinton, and Masan's cousins Meggin and Justin to come to celebrate this amazing news with us. Terry and Joann Parker (The Dream Factory representatives) met us there and welcomed us with open arms. We all ate and talked about what to expect while we are in Florida, then much to our surprise Ryan's manager walked up to Masan and handed him a dessert that was made just for him. It looked yummy! Nice, rich and full of chocolate=) Terry told us that from here on out Masan is a part of the Dream Factory family and they will follow him throughout his life. It is so amazing what these people do, I am so honored to be a part of it. The smiles on kid's faces once they have received their dreams is priceless. It is truly a dream come true that for one week we don't have any worries in our life just a chance to spend time together as a family having fun, how many people can say that? I know that we have never been able to do that before. I have to say that the highlight of the dinner was when Joann told Masan about the Indiana Jones 3D show and ride. His big brown eyes just lit up like no tomorrow, finally all his dreams will come true!

It has been a very busy week for us. Masan was asked to be in the Apple Blossom parade which was held on Saturday May 3, 2008. We had a blast Masan, Prestan and myself all rode on the Dream Factory float and threw candy to all the kids and their families. Then on Tuesday we headed off to KU for the MDA clinic. On Wednesday we had a hearing test done because Masan has been complaining about his right ear. Sure enough the doctor said that there was some fluid in it and gave us a prescription for antibiotics, we have to go back in a month and see if that was the problem. Thursday and Friday seemed okay for Masan but then yesterday he started complaining about his hear hurting him, enough that he was in tears over it. I think maybe he is having problems with his allergies but only time will tell. I know he has been spending a lot more time outside lately and that mixed with all the rain we have had makes for a nasty combination=( Well we only have a few more weeks of school left and his teacher has been testing him to see how much he knows, so far she says he is right on track! Looks like he will be moving on to the first grade next year!

Dream Factory

We got some really good news yesterday that I wanted to share with you all. Masan has been selected by The Dream Factory Foundation to get his dream of going to Disney World=) We will be going in July and will get to stay for 6 days. This will be the very first vacation we have ever taken as a family. Actually this is the first time Masan or Prestan will be sleeping away from home. We are all very excited and to top it all off tomorrow we are going to be riding on the Dream Factory float during the Apple Blossom parade. I wanted to thank everyone for the prayers that we have received. I will keep you posted as I know more!

Good Morning, It has been a very busy week! I went to the MDA clinic last week to have the EMG done on myself, I must admit as I was laying there waiting for the doctors to begin the test my heart really started to race. As I looked over at Masan all the fear I had inside just disappeared, I knew I had to finish this test for him. Honestly it wasn't as bad as I thought....and then they shocked me behind my knee OMG I thought that I was going to die. Not only did they shock me there once, they did it 4 times in a row...OUCH!!! After that the doctor came in (with her bags and coat like she was ready to leave for the day)to preform the needle part of the EMG. She began telling me that the results were my nerve responce were a little on the slow side but she didn't think it was a big deal, however the ordering doctor may disagree with her and I will have to have this test redone. Then she asked me to stick my leg out so they could stick this needle in 6 different places and test the muscle. I am not an idiot, if I may have to redo this test why on earth would I have these needles stuck into me? I looked that doctor in the eyes and as nice as I could I told her "There is NO WAY in hell that I am going through that twice, so I am sorry but I am refusing to have the test done!" After that eventful day I felt like Masan needed a break from doctors and time to just be a kid, so I took him and Prestan to feed the ducks, and then go play at the park. Something that should be fun for a kid seemed to turn into a bad idea as Prestan showed off how well he could climb the rock wall, and then when Masan tried he didn't have the strength in his arms to pull himself up. I've never felt as bad as I did seeing Masan's face knowing that his baby brother could do something he couldn't. I tried to help him, but I think that just made things worse. For a parent you want to shield your child from any pain they may feel, but how do I shield him from this? He is a very smart kid and can feel that he is getting weaker, there are things that he used to be able to do that he can no longer. This whole thing is breaking my heart=( Here are pics I took at the duck pond and the park.

It is finally here, I am headed to MDA clinic to have my EMG done and see what the doctors can tell me. Masan is going with me and I have to say he is really happy about it, all the tests that he has had he thinks it is funny that it is mom's turn to be shocked and poked on=) Yesterday seemed like one of his worst days in awhile. We spent most of the day at Rob and Kim's house, at one point he was playing with Prestan and he fell down and hit the back of his head on the sidewalk. Bless his heart he didn't want Kim to see him cry so he buried his face into me and stayed there until he was done crying. Rob and Kim have a large yard with a pool and hot tub so of course just like the other kids Masan wanted to explore which was great to see him playing but every time I looked up he was either crying or on the ground cause he had just fell. We went to the neurologist on Thursday and he agrees that Masan is getting weaker, but said there is nothing that he can do other than to send him to the MDA clinic (we have already been there). At one point during the appointment he suggested Masan maybe suffering from something else as well, but in order to find out for sure they would have to run another series of tests. For being just 6 I think he has already had to endure enough pain, so for now we will just sit back and keep an eye on him and see if he continues to rapidly progress. I hope that this blog has been some kind of help or at least comfort for other parents that may be going through the same thing that we are. May God bless you all and you families!

Yesterday Masan had a real good day! He played during recess (not hard but at least he played). I think that he is used to going back to school and what a brave little boy he is for riding the bus. Up until last week he had never rode with anyone but his dad or me, watching him get on the bus and get buckled in you would think he has been riding it for years. I am inspired by the courage that he shows every single day. Tomorrow is our check up with the neurologist, I am hoping that it goes okay. Last week the doctor ordered lab work to be done on Masan, well the nurse called to let us know the results. Somehow Masan has elevated Calcium levels and lowered Potassium levels. I find these results amusing because he don't eat dairy and eats 2 bananas everyday. Please if anyone one is reading this that has CMT let me know if you are experiencing any of the same symptoms. Well I hope that you all have a blessed day and I will let you know what the neurologist has to say.

Well today could have gone a lot better. To start the day off, Masan woke up barking like a seal and had to take a breathing treatment before he got on the bus. (Not a fun way to start the day!) Then I picked him up from school at 11:30, and we headed to Heartland to get another round of blood tests done. Masan was so big and brave not wanting to cry, but once that needle stuck into his arm it was all over. I have no idea what they are testing him for this time, all I know is that they are trying to figure out why he is so tired and weak. I just can't imagine anything else going wrong for him, so lets hope that all these tests come back okay. After we left there we came home, Masan didn't even make it in the house before he was asking for his rice and beans therapy bowl. I think it is because it was raining and yucky outside, he tends to cramp a lot more when we have bad weather. Walt bought him a stability ball to do some of his PT exercises on, but he just wasn't up to par so I will wait until tomorrow to begin them. I must say no matter how bad he feels he always finds a way to make all of us smile, whether is be making funny faces or singing a silly song that he learned in school. It is hard to see him be in pain, but when he smiles up at you it melts all the bad feelings away and makes you fight twice as hard to find anything that will give him some relief. I hope if any of you are going through the same thing as Masan you know that you aren't alone. If you would like to talk to someone about it I am here, so feel free to drop me a comment. May you all have a blessed day!

Good Morning! Well yesterday was Masan's first day back at school, and I am happy to report that he loved it. We arrived at the school about 8:45 a.m., went in and met the teacher. I told her little things that she needed to know like how if she sees him pressing his hands up against his face it means they are cramping up. We took his tub of beans and rice, so if they did cramp up he could do his therapy. Then the other students started coming in and saying hello so he looked at me with a few tears in his eyes and shook his head up and down as if to tell me it was okay for me to leave. Masan has an Individual Education Plan and a 504 plan in effect, which means... He only goes 1/2 a day and he is transferred to and from other classes (lunch, art,music) by wheelchair. At 12:45p.m. I was standing outside waiting on his bus to bring him home, as I saw it round the corner my heart sank. I started to question if what I was doing was right, but just then the bus stopped and the doors opened and here came Masan standing there with a grin from ear to ear! He was so excited he told me all about how he made new friends and how his teacher pushed him in the wheelchair so he didn't have to worry about keeping up with the other kids. I knew at that moment that I WAS doing the right thing for him. He even got a "super"sticker for the coloring he did=) All in all it was a really good day!

Who has the answers?

It just don't seem like Thursday, I think it is cause I had so much that I needed to get done and usually we have all of our appointments on Monday and Tuesday. Why was today so different you ask? Well as of Monday April 7, 2008 Masan will be back in the St. Joseph School District, so today we had to go to the doctor and get all of his paper work signed and dated. We were given an order for a wheelchair so then he had to go get fitted for that also. I can't express how hard it was to see my angel sitting in this wheelchair, although he doesn't need to be in it full time right now he is to be in it if we are going any distance. Personally I think the doctors are trying to come up with ways to keep him from getting the leg cramps, I hate to burst their bubbles but so far nothing that they have suggested has helped. Dr. Kosse said that they have filled out Masan's referral from Dream Factory and his nurse was getting ready to send it as we were leaving. It is so funny to see these people, who have watched Masan grow over the last six years, they are so concerned and sympathetic now. But at times you feel like asking "Where the hell was all that concern and sympathy when I first stated that there was something wrong?" Now they are all baffled with no answers and the only words they can bring themselves to say is they will help in any way they can....Okay then help I WANT ANSWERS!!!!!! I want to know why? why him? why now? why is it so freaking severe? What do I tell my six year old when he asks me if he will ever be able to run and play like his brothers? What do I tell him when he asks why he can't play outside in the snow? Why are there so many question and no one has any answers for me? Okay well I hope you all have a very beautiful day filled with happiness. God Bless!

Today was a bad day for Masan! Our morning started by doing PT with his rice and beans tub to stimulate his nerves, but that just didn't ease the pain in his hands. He has been on vitamins with iron for a few weeks thinking that they may help, but unfortunately that isn't helping either. This child that used to be so happy and bubbly just doesn't have the energy to do the things that he once enjoyed. He loves playing video games but when his hands are hurting this bad he can't even enjoy that. I just wish I could take his pain from him, I would in a heart beat. If he is feeling better tomorrow we are going to go shopping for special school supplies cause he will be attending public school again come Thursday, hopefully this time it will be different than before. Wish us luck, talk to you again soon.

Masan's hands and feet

The CMT has really taken a toll on Masan's body. Pictured here are his hands and feet taken in Jan. 2008.

Masan and his buddy

The Unknown Road

It is hard as a parent to watch your children in any kind of pain, but to be a parent and know there is something wrong with your child but have everyone around you dismiss your thoughts well that is unbearable... I know because that is what happened to me. This is the story about our son Masan Robert Payne and the disease Charcot~ Marie Tooth that he was born with. To sum it up CMT patients slowly lose normal use of their feet/legs and hands/arms as nerves to the extremities degenerate and the muscles in the extremities become weakened because of the loss of stimulation by the affected nerves.
Here is how this long road began....
I think the first sign was the fact that he threw up a lot when he was a baby. The told us it was acid reflux and put him on medicine for it but, the medicine didn't help. Then when he was first learning to walk he was always on his toes and often complained that his calves hurt. His doctor said it was no big deal and he would grow out of it by the time he was 2. Age 2 came and went still walked on his toes, again the doctor said nothing to worry about but, this time sent him to PT.
In September of 2006 Masan started preschool and his teachers noticed he was falling a lot in a 4 hour period not as if he had tripped over something but, one minute he was up and the next he would drop. They also noticed his hands shaking while he was writing or cutting, Mrs. Myers expressed to me she was concerned. Finally after telling the doctor about what the teachers had observed he stepped up to the plate and scheduled us for an appointment with the Orthopedic surgeon. Again I was told he was fine and PT should cure things. PT didn't do anything actually it just seemed to make him hurt more, and to top it all off the Physical Therapist suggested that Masan be checked for Cerebral Palsy. At this point I felt helpless, why wouldn't the doctors just listen to me? I am his mother and I know him better then ANYONE! So I asked for a second opinion.....They sent us to a Neurologist at Children's Mercy Hospital in Kansas City, MO. Upon examination the neurologist noticed Masan had no reflexes in lower extremities. He requested more test to be ran. They did an EMG and noticed something very strange, so they sent him for a blood test to see if he had a disease the doctor called CMT. In October of 2007 we finally got the answers we had waited four years to hear. It was confirmed Masan suffered from an inherited disease called Charcot-Marie-Tooth. We were so happy to finally get answers, but then the doctors told us that Masan is loosing the use of his muscles very quickly and they don't understand why, so yet again we are left with no answers. We have always lived life one day at time, but once we were given Masan's diagnosis we were forced to face our fears and look them straight in the eye.
There are many people that got us where we are now, but there is one special lady that believed in me as a mother and helped me open the doctor's eyes. She was the only one who trusted me when I felt in my heart that something just wasn't right. This lady I am speaking of is Susan Myers, Masan’s preschool teacher. Not only did she keep me informed of any changes in Masan while he was at school, she let me know it was okay to fight for my child.
Since being diagnosed Masan has been put in 3 sets of Afo's, and is currently going through OT and PT. Although it is very rare Masan's vision has been affected, he has had his prescription changed twice over the last two years. Currently he uses a wheelchair for distance purposes. Masan attends school half days (due to fatigue) at Pickett Elementary an all level school that has fit Masan's needs perfectly. This child that at one time wouldn't unclench his arms from around my neck, has really blossomed into an amazing little man.

Will You for Give Me? Written by: April Payne for Masan Robert Payne

I only wanted my child to grow,
but there was something we didn't know
toe walking at four years old
not telling the difference between hot and cold
tripping and falling or passing out
did they know what they were talking about
everyone told me it couldn't be
no one would listen, no one could see
doctor after doctor, tests after tests
I knew my son deserved the best
they told us CP and then something new
I got on my knees and asked GOD what to do
finally they confirmed it is CMT
an inherited disease the naked eye don't see
It hides inside way down deep
attacks your nerves and never sleeps
there is no cure up to this date
for now our life is all up to fate
One day I hope you will understand why
I hold you close at night and cry
Will you ever forgive me for what I've done
I love you my angel, my heart, my son!